Adventures in Autistic Parenthood

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Must!.... KiIl!.... Boy!:

I'll have to admit that there's one (slightly mean) benefit to raising David. I know it's not pretty, but I love watching people trying to understand just what the hell Dave is talking about. The checkout lady will ask him something like, "Going to have a good dinner tonight, huh?' and he'll be babbling along on one of his game/movie monologues while she tries to figure out just what the heck "I'll bet she gives great helmet" (Spaceballs) has to do with our evening meal, but the look of nearly offended confusion on her face was priceless. Or we'll be walking somewhere and he's sequentially quoting 3 movies and two games with some random phrases thrown in for good measure, and I'm responding to him as though we're actually having a conversation. Something like, Dude: I think my name is going to kill me. (I think that's from a 007 game) Dad: Considering we both have the same name, that's a very real possibility. Dude: The door is locked. You'll have to find another way in. Maybe you can try the kitchen. (Meet the Robinsons) Dad: Unless you have a key. Then you can go right in. Dude: The speech is over in 3 minutes. Snake, you must kill him before he finishes the speech. Snake! Snake! (Splinter Cell) Dad: 'Cause once he's done talking, he's outa here! Dude: GameStop on Tuesday!  Dad: Nice try, not happening. (he thought he could throw me) And as we're talking people are passing by on either side of us trying very hard not to upset the 'crazy people' or straining to understand just what the hell we're talking about. I'd like to help them (no I wouldn't) but I really don't have much of a clue myself. Besides which, I think it's funner if they don't know.
Almost every Friday Raine goes to visit her mother and Alayna goes to her Dad's, so Dave and I go to the bank, stop off to get something to eat, and then go home. Last Friday Alayna was still at the house when Dude and I were getting ready to go, so I offered to get her something to eat if she was still going to be home when I got back. (Good thing I did) As Dave and I were driving up the hill from the bank I happened to glance down and notice that I was really low on gas. So I thought, 'I'll get Wendy's, then my Chinese, and then I get some gas and go home. Turned out that was the exact wrong order. As I pulled into the Drive-thru lane at Wendy's the Bonnie sputtered a couple of times and died. This pissed some yuppie lady in an Escalade off so much that she couldn't back up to the speaker once she'd driven around me so she roared off after one half-hearted attempt. Dave, on the other hand, took one look at the idiot lights illuminating the dash and said, "The car's broke!" and started laughing. Not that 'I'm within arm's reach of my very large and muscular father and must therefore fear for my life' uncomfortable chuckle, but that 'This is the silliest thing I've ever witnessed and Dad would never kill me anyway' belly laugh. So in addition to being stuck in the middle of a Wendy's parking lot, my 16 (never to be 17) year old son is laughing his ass off at me. Loudly. It occurs to me (amidst thoughts of filicide) that Alayna is still at the house, and so is my lawnmower gas. So I grab the cell phone to make the call. I'm trying to get Alayna to understand what the problem is and ask her to bring me the gas with Dave being oh so helpful in the passenger seat. "The car's broke!, You're out of oil! hahahahah!". Then to top it all off a lady pulled in behind me and waited, ever so patiently (seriously) for the line (me) to move ahead. Dave is still cracking up, Alayna is asking where to deliver the gas, I'm waving my hand out of the window, and this nice older lady is peering through her windshield completely without a clue. Finally I finish the phone call, step out of the car and inform the clueless, 'You might as well go around, 'cause this thing's not going anywhere.'
  I'm pretty sure her husband (?) was just as scatterbrained as she was because after she pulled around to the microphone he got out of the passenger seat to help and then asked why I was pushing the Bonnie backwards but downhill across the parking lot. If I were him I'd be wondering about where the kid was getting the nitrous oxide. Because Dave laughed, semi-hysterically all the way across the parking lot. You sometimes meet the nicest people in a Wendy's parking lot, did you know that? There was a nice lady at the back of her SUV asking me if I needed any help with my car. I suspected her of being a travelling mechanic because she then rattled off a list, and the only thing she seemed not to have for vehicle emergencies was the one thing I needed. (mechanics always have to order the part I need for some reason) She was also a quick talker because this entire conversation happened as the Bonnie rolled slowly past the back of her truck. There are few things more embarrassing to a guy than to run out of gas in a public place..... unless you have an hysterically amused 16 year old autistic boy in the seat next to you. Then you get to find out what embarrassment is all about.
Somehow or another Dude managed to survive the incident, I immediately drove to the gas station (once again vowing to pay closer attention to the fuel gauge) and everyone got their food. Raine came home a couple of hours later and when she asked Dave how his day went he immediately started laughing and said, "The car's broke! Dad ran out of gas!!". Then he proceeded to laugh hysterically for the next 10 minutes. I'm telling ya, if any of y'all want to visit David you'd better do it quick, or you may miss your chance.


  1. LMAO. oh my god, im going to pee myself!

  2. I'm glad you liked it, and I hope you didn't need to clean anything up! lol

  3. Look, the Snake line is from Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty. Get it together man!

  4. He doesn't have Metal Gear Solid.... But he does have 4 Splinter Cell's. Are you sure you've got that right?