Adventures in Autistic Parenthood

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Bank Robbery!!:

It's a clue!
      For Federal reasons, Dave and I need our own, separate bank account. And for reasons too complicated to go into Raine and I have a joint account at an entirely different bank. And for paranoid reasons I'm gonna make up names for these institutions of futility... uh... I mean fidelity. So when I talk about Dave an I going to the 'TD' bank(Two Dudes), that implies that we're going to 'our' bank. You know, the one were he continually asks for $10,000, ( I still say if that ever works I'm gonna buy him a bunch of games), and visits his financial minions. We also, since I don't like checks, regularly take actual cashey money out of  'our' bank and take it to the 'RD' bank (Rain Dave Bank) , and deposit it.  So his experience with 'our' bank is, that we go there, and charge up the 'Game/Cheeseburger Buying Plastic' and occasionally walk away with cash. Although so far it's always been much less than 10k.
    It's become something of a bank-fantasy of mine. Just to see the look on David's face if we ever walked into the bank and he asked for his usual amount, and I, like some sort of Duetsche Mafia Don, give the teller a solemn nod and she forks over the pile of green. But I digress.
    In the (nearly) real world, Dude, Raine, and I went to the TD Bank and Dave and I went in to deposit my check and visit his minions. He was greatly disappointed (the first of many this day). Because of a fairly major snow, most of his usual tellers were at home and we were left to the competent, but male, attentions of  Gary, the manager. Dave didn't allow this to stop him for long. as soon as Gary started processing my deposit Dude, the proud possessor of 5 (count 'em, 5) happy faces, immediately proved his gender bias by asking Gary to give him $5000, instead of the usual 10 grand. I don't know, maybe he just figures that Dudes are half as cute to men as they are to women. He really got excited when Gary handed over the cash I requested, and said, 'Thanks! Now we can go to the GameStop and get the Pokemon White Vision! Only for XBox 360!!'  Gary blinked, and said, 'Hey, no problem. You're welcome.'  Since he had the required number of Happy Faces, naturally there was only one reason to stop at our bank. Because that's the only place with enough money to fulfill his gaming addiction. So he was babbling at supersonic (?) speed about PokemonMarioBros.BatmanSpiderman (it's hard to separate them at that velocity) all the way to the car once he saw the huge (to him) wad of cash that I was carrying.
   Once we were in the car, he then informed Raine that he was getting games/movies/cheesburgers at such a volume that the echoes drowned out half of what he was saying. Raine looked at me and raised an eyebrow to ask me what the hell was going on, because I couldn't have heard her if she'd actually said something. I shrugged my answer and tried to calm David down. I had mixed results. I could either get him to lower the volume or the speed, but not both at once. And silence appeared to be completely impossible... for the last 18 1/2 years anyway.
    Dave's second (and longest lasting) disappointment of the day occurred only moments later. We drove across the parking lot to the RD bank and got into the drive-through line. To Dude, this was all good. The only thing this could mean was a stop for more money to get even more games! I made my deposit at the window, fended off the offer of a sucker for Dave (he doesn't like candy), all the while he was going on (and on) in the backseat, seemingly obliviously playing his 3DS. I gathered my receipt, thanked the rather nice teller-lady, and drove off around the corner of the building. 'HEY!!' came an indignant exclamation from the backseat, 'The bank stole all of our money!!' Raine and I looked at each other, startled. 'Someone dial IX-I-I! This is an emergency!!' He continued, as Raine and I started cracking up.
   As we were leaving the parking lot, Raine and I were hamming it up a bit, and laughing more than a bit about the whole incident. Dave was grumbling in the backseat the whole time grumbling under his breath, occasionally something loud enough to hear would come out; 'I can't believe they stole our money!' and 'We need to call the precinct and get someone on the case!' were two that stood out. And, of course this made the two evil (and broke, evidently) adults in the front seat giggle even more hysterically. Much to David's ever growing disgust.
   Since I was driving, and no one else knew quite where we were going (a common happening from all accounts) I took the extra special longest way to get to a place 2 miles away by driving 15 miles rout. (I drive GPS receivers nuts!) As we were coming up the hill to the Sam's Club/GameStop complex we drove past the parking lot of another branch of the 'RD' Bank, not thinking anything about it, when we heard a grumble from the backseat, 'Darn 'RD' bank.... I can't believe they stole all our money!' And, as the laughter started up again from those evil people in the front seat, 'We need to go to the TD bank to get the money to get the GAMES!' Evidently, we had just gone to the banks in the wrong order.
    Luckily for Dude, I was not relying on my cash reserves (0.00, according to Dave) and we did, indeed, go to the GameStop, and using my Secret Dude-Dad Powers (pat.pend) I was ready to buy him a game (or steal him one, Dave didn't care) when Raine came up with a startling plan. The game that David wanted was twice as much as we would normally spend on a 'Smiley-Game', so Raine asked him if he wanted to 'bank' his game points for another week(not in her bank, which would steal them all!) , taking the chance on losing them all in order to get the game he wanted. Dave misunderstood (maybe) at first. Thinking that he could get a game now and then a really cool game next week if he was getting a bonus for being good two whole weeks in a row. Nice try. Dad is soooo not going for that one. When he finally admitted that he understood, he decided to take the chance, and double-down on the Pokemon table.
Perhaps this is the getaway path..
    So every day that week, Dave would almost scream as he got off the bus (van) 'I've got the GOOD NOTES!!'  I would have worried about the Bus-guy's hearing, but he's about 80, and doesn't hear that well anyway. I, on the other hand, was thinking seriously about heisting some earplugs from work, or buying the kind of ear protection that you only see at rifle ranges or nuclear weapon testing facilities. I know a guy whose dad works for NASA, and if I ever find his number, I'll ask him for one of those zero-noise helmets that they wear for launches.
    I'm happy to say that my hearing (already deafened to withstand 'normal' Dude levels) is no longer under attack. I'm sure someone needs to call the Guinness Record-book people, because my son was extra good (even the stuff we don't talk about here) for two whole weeks!  I did actually bring earplugs home for Friday, just in case. Dave was disappointed (briefly) when he found out there was no way I was taking him to GameStop at 7 am on a Saturday (and get back to bed!). But it was still fairly early (for me) when he received his virtuous reward. Naturally he was busted at school on Tuesday for talking too much (My David? Never!) because of his excitement for the new game. But that pretty much is what keeps me from having to declare GameStop bankruptcy so I wasn't too hard on him. He's still not too sure why we occasionally put money in a bank we never take any out of for games, but as long as the games keep flowing he's pretty sure he doesn't care...

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